A Long, Grey, Cold Winter - but here's hoping . . .

After a slightly difficult January, my situation seemed to have stabelised, although doesn't suggest any major impovements.  The most wonderful thing is that the sense of peace and freedom from pain, all but from discomhort throughout my dear old fatigued body, enables me continue to do quite a lot - though very, very slowly.

Both Liz and I feel very supported by family, friends and our medical our team.  The latter seems to be expanding by the day.  We now have regular close contact with an excellent GP, a cancer support lady in the urology department, a cancer support nurse at the hospice, expertise from the Yeleni support charity and, hovering in the background, my oncologist.  

Here are the blog entries for the first half of February:

3^rd February 2025
So far no weight change – 81 kg. However I'm finding it easier to get my right slipper and shoe on. I'm also sleeping beyond five without having to finish the night on the sofa. My 'poddling' seems to be more stable though my writing is inconsistent. It needs a varying amount of editing and sometimes write 'gobbledygook'. Thank goodness for spellers! 

10th February 2025
On Friday I had an Echocardiogram at the hospital. I felt so relaxed while the technician took the readings I nearly dozed off. After the tests she took my blood pressure and remarked, “Wow!” Surprising coming from somewhat reticent person. My BP was 111/56!

Daughter and grandson cleared out the eves cupboards over the week end while I supervised. Although I was seated, it was hard work for me and I needed to rest, although I wasn't exhausted.

The results were given to my GP the following Monday and showed my heart to be in pretty good condition. Although my daily weight measurements showed little variance (790 Kg to 801 Kg), swelling in my legs, especially my right leg, had significantly reduced and I was finding it easier to put on my socks and shoes. (The new diabetic socks - looser and softer - are briliant - I've been putting  them on unassisted. I am walking more easily and am more stable in my movement - at least in the morning.  I do slow down notcingeably in the afternoons.

My GP has reduced Fuerocimide to one tablit and booked another appointment for 28^th Feb. It's really good to maintain consistency with my GP. I asked about the possibility of setting up regular biometrics, such as for strength, stability and stamina. She thought it a good idea but didn't know of any such services. She suggested talking to the palliative care team member team whom I see on Friday. Perhaps my kinesiologist would help. I'll ask.

12th February 2025

Here's a copy of a letter to my kinesiologist:

I saw my very helpful GP on Friday and asked about having intermittent assessments of stamina, stability and strength. This, I thought, might provide guidance as to the prognoses of the various conditions I have. This in turn should give an early warning system to help me plan ahead rather than react to emergency.  Not having pain is good but it's difficult to be objective with such subtle and intermittent changes. My GP doesn't know of such a service in the NHS!!  So I wondered whether such a assessments might be possible in your field.

I'm pleased to report that I'm getting consistent support from one GP now.  She has changed my medication and as a result I'm finding it easier to get upstairs.  What do you think?

***

I sleep well from 11ish to 2 or 3 a.m. but the pain in my right ankle or simple inability to sleep gets me out of bed to the sofa. I use a torch rather than main lights to keep the room ambience low.  The pain stops immediately. A hot oatmilk drink, two sugar-free biscuits and the read of a few pages of a book and I'm soon asleep.  I then sleep soundly until 6 or 7 a.m. - sometimes nearer 8. 

 15th February 2025

We had a home visit from a nurse who is a member of the Specialist Palliative Care Team. The team consists of nurses, doctors and other healthcare professionals with expertise and training in palliative care. They can offer help when palliative care needs are complex such as:

• Assessment and ongoing review of your symptoms

• The opportunity to talk through distressing feelings

• Help with planning how you would like to be cared for as your condition progresses and at the end of your life.

• Support and advice for the people who are important to you.

• Information, support and advice to the healthcare professionals supporting you.

The hour and half session was very thorough and easy to understand.  We both felt we understood at least the most important aspects of the support which is to be provided. So now we have a good team: our excellent GP, oncology services, such as scans et cetera, provided by the hospital (Macmillan Renton Unit), specialist palliative care team member and our urology cancer contact.

At this time most of my needs are likely to be met by my GP but there are a number of things that the palliative care team will be providing. Notably an assessment of my current physical condition through scans and perhaps physiotherapy, which I have suggested cover strength, stamina and stability. I am hoping that a report following this meeting will be made available to me.

***

Sleep is variable. Last night I woke up at about 1.30 a.m. and tried to stay lying on my back. This did seem to prevent the pain in my right ankle but it didn't help me get to sleep. I got up, made a hot drink containing a little whiskey, settle on the sofa and read a little. Slept about four, went to the loo and went back to sleep until 8.30, when Liz woke me up. My ankles, though still somewhat swollen are not as soon as they were. It's easier to get my socks on, especially with the new soft and stretchy sorts. And easier to get my slippers and shoes on.

I do have to keep searching for words and failing to find them. Is this old aphasia or simple old age – difficult to tell. I now write down words and phrases that I regularly have to search for so that I can look them up in my journal. Strange that I know what I'm looking for in terms of meaning but cannot articulate the words themselves.

In recent weeks I've found myself having to take the stairs one at a time. I can take three stairs and then have a short rest but the last four or so are hard work. This is especially so last thing at time and even carrying water bottles increases my difficulty. My left leg is definitely weaker than my right and slimmer too, although it may be that the right leg is a bit a bit more swollen than the left.

I feel contented in myself. I feel no serious pain, only slight and intermittent discomfort and have no anxiety about what is going on in my body, which remains stable as far as I can tell.  

My Cancer Diary January 2025

The succession of urinary tract infections followed by repeated atrial fibrillation attacks and months of broken nights of sleep left me feeling a decided loss of vitality – I call it 'flatness'. I'd not been contemplating or meditating much and have found myself dozing a lot. My stability declined, especially in the early mornings and evenings. I now have to ascend stairs one at a time, though gravity helps me descend normally, but not too quickly I hope.

However, by the end of January I began to emerge from my hibernation. I seem to have more stability and am still without pain, only minor and intermittent discomfort when I walk ('poddle'). My flatness has slowly lifted and by the end of the January I was feeling a greater sense of vitality again. Maybe the medications my GPs have pouring into me are making are a difference – pharmaceutical man? Liz has been wonderful during this floppy time, cheerfully enabling me to rest when I need to, and that's been quite a lot.

Here are the latest blog entries. Thanks for the encouraging feedback. 

13th January 2025
I took a urine sample to our surgery this morning and got a UTI test done immediately. The nurse was concerned and booked an appointment that afternoon. Brilliant. The GP suggested that the UTI may have to do with a spasm in the bladder, common in people my age (so many things are!). It needs further investigation. Later that day the reception phoned to say that a telephone appointment had been arranged for me the next day.

My life does seem to be filling up with medical appointments and my mind has little space to contemplate much else.  This is noticeable as I make fewer entries in my journal.  I'm also finding it difficulty to fit in important jobs like publishing.  I get very tired.

14th January 2025
Helped direct our gardener/handyman to sort out our disaster of a garage.  After lunch Liz took me to the audiologist where successful adjustments were made.  Liz did some shopping on the way home slept while I slept.  By the end of the evening I was shattered.  In my condition it's surprising how little little is!

15th January 2025
In the telephone interview the GP asked me to obtain a blood sample for anaemia. I looked up the NHS site and discovered I appear to have seven out of ten symptoms. Feeling decidedly fatigued today but I'm doing what I can do to keep keep active.

17th January 2025
Phoned the surgery at midday. The report showed blood test satisfactory. However my excellent GP tried to phone me three times, lucky on the third, to tell me the test was not OK. I have an ecoli infection and although I have slight anaemia, but nothing to worry about. Might an iron supplement help?  The GP checked with the pharmacists and I was prescribed an antibiotic.

19^th January 2025
Today my urine is clear. However the Solifenicine has no apparant effect yet. I still pee small amounts frequently.

20th January 2025
Set my alarm for 7 a.m. and rather wish I hadn't.  I lay for a while to gaim stability but that didn't help. Stability is difficult is difficult first thing in the morning but often I need a pee - rather urgently - and in danger of a leak!     My eyesight was very fuzzy and remained so at 10 a.m. I had to pause on the stairs. Feeling decidedly limp. Great difficulty getting my socks on!  By lunchtime I hegan to feel better.

22nd January 2025
Liz accompanied me to my rescheduled appointment with my oncologist. After a two hour wait I encouraged her to go to her village meeting and for me to take a taxi home. (£37! but worth it).  It was another hour before I saw my oncologist. There had been a catastrophe with a patient and instead of rescheduling, though it seemed a sensible thing to do as a three hour backlog was impossible, doctors were still trying to see patients. As a result the consultation was rushed. I was told that I was being referred to the hospice as their appeared to be nothing more to be done. It wasn't a surprise but I did expect to be told in a more gentle and empathic way. 

As I left the consultation room the full impact of the news hit me. I went to the Macmillan unit and asked to use the quiet room. An member of the Macmillan staff accompanied me as I didn't want to be alone. I explained what happened and was soon in tears. I don't know how long I was there but it was extremely helpful. We were able to share a lot.  My Macmillan companion found it helpful too.

The next day I was shattered and we cancelled our trip to Worcester. I was especially wobbly when I first got up and fell back onto the sofa three times before I was able to gain a modicum of stability. Slept most of the morning but ate a good lunch and felt better by the evening.

24^th January 2025
Today I phoned our children – the first time I've ever got through to all but one in one go. They were upbeat and supportive, as I expected. They will pass on the information to the grandchildren (all over 20 now).

25^th January 2025
Having had time to reflect on that awful consultation I emailed the family to say that I didn't sense the situation was immanent. I think the oncologist maybe had had  misjudged – has always misjudged – how well I am. O.K. I know my illness is terminal but has been for 10 years, but I have an inner vitality and am not in pain, only minor discomfort, and no serious anxiety about my deteriorating condition.

We will continue to prepare for what needs to be put in place so that we can make as smooth a transition to what will be. Writing, especially typing, is difficult. It's about dexterity. A lot of editing is needed and I still get letters and words wrong,

My urine looks clear.

27^th January 2025
Saw a GP about swollen ankles. On 6^th Jan the doctor took me off Furosemide because of side effects (diarrhoea) and doubled my dose of Bisoprolol. Although the increased Bisoprolol stopped the atrial fibrillations he left the ankles untreated! A different GP put me back on Furosemide until Friday to try to drain off the fluid – side effects or not.

I took a posti-antiobitic urine sample sample to surgery.

28^th January 2025
This morning my urine looked a little cloudy. By the afternoon I was peeing more than usual as should be the case with Furosemide but no sign of diarrhoea. I haven't had the test results yet.

This morning I received a pdf of the letter from my oncologist to the hospice – most reassuring. It's much more what I thought the situation was but needs updating. However, soe of informaion was wron.  I was only on Pazopanib for four weeks before my oncologist withdrew withdrew me from it because it was endagering liy liver. I then had three weeks on half a dose when the after effects kicked in again and I withdrew from that treatment. I had been offered chemo in June 2015 but declined it. I had expected to have a few good years but not 10! The details of that part of my journey are to be found in chapter two of 'What my Doctors Didn't Tell me About Cancer'.

The letter mentioned aphasia as being intermitent but not neuropathy which is consistent! I shall hope to get a properly reserched  assessment which may give some idea of possible prognoses.  To date, apart from scans and radiographer's reports, I've only had hypotheses as to what the causal implications are.

30^th January 2025
The UTA returned! I booked an emergency appointment with a senior GP intent on getting a consultation with a specialist. He suggested that, although he could write a request he couldn't force a satisfactory response. Instead he recommended putting me on a week-long course of antibiotics followed by three month's of low-dose, slow release antibiotics. That seemed quicker and more immediate to me. He's also doubled the dose of Furosemide to be taken in the mornig. I observed that my pee volume was still low though the urgency has calmed. If all this doesn't work we may have to resort to a catheter, and that would be OK. At least I wouldn't need to get up at night.

Felt more chipper this morning. Maybe the Furosemide is working. I have a check up on the swollen ankles tomorrow. An appointment has been made for an echocardiogram on 7^th Feb.

We had a telephone call from the garage in Worcester (25 miles away). We've had to postpone the appointment twice, the second time as I was unwell. They are going to collect and deliver the car free of charge! What a relief and what kindness!

31st January 2025

Another GP appointment to check the swollen ankles. I'm to weigh myself naked every morning and record my weight for a week. Also to keep up the double dose of Furosemide.

The strory continues . . .

January 2025 Blog

Welcome to 2025.  May all that you need for wholeness and health be enabled within you and for you.

From now on my blogs get more personal.  In each blog entry I'll be pointing you to entries from the My Cancer Diary link.  I will simply post the details of how to find the starting point for the latest section.  Here's the link: https://brianscancerjourney.blogspot.com/   So please scroll down the My Cancer Diary to 19th December 2024 for the latest entries,

 

Jumping Doctors

 Many doctors are no less prone to jumping to conclusions than we are, and that is understandable. In our current system, with only a few minutes to see a patient, they have to make decisions quickly. Fortunately, most of the time they probably get it right. Even more fortunately it's well known that most patients who present with an illness at their general practitioner would get better in time even without medical attention. If most people realised that their doctor would have more time for patients who are really ill rather than those who want an itch or minor ache to be treated by the 'full Monty' of medical attention available.

Sadly things do go wrong. Sufficient attention is sometimes not given to what could become a serious condition. For this reason we do need to be our own 'self-advocates' at least some of the time. Of course we don't want to become full-blown hypochondriacs but we do need to be sensitive to our own bodies and not leave everything to the doctor.

In my own case, what was presumed (I won't say 'diagnosed') to be a sebaceous cyst was operated on and discovered it wasn't. The wound was stitched up without taking a biopsy, although I had by then had a long history of cancer, and I was referred to a dermatologist. He took one look at my lump, declared it to be a lipoma, and told me that the NHS would not treat it since it was considered cosmetic and not harmful. If it became painful then, I was told, I could refer myself back to my GP. Some months later it did become uncomfortable so I contacted my GP by phone. He confirmed that he would be unable to get the funding to do the operation. The discomfort was not great so I left it, but within a few weeks another GP took a look at it in relation to quite another matter and noticed the lipoma. He asked if a scan have been taken and told him it hadn't, which caused a raised eyebrow. "I don't like the look of that," he said, and referred me to a specialist in Birmingham. I was given an MRI and PET scan which revealed the lipoma had turned into a sarcoma. It was decided that this was not immediately operable and best left to be observed. A few months later and the sarcoma had penetrated the skull and I now have a tumour on the left parietal lobe of my brain. Over the last four or five months this is now inducing neuropathy which affects my walking and is beginning to affect my speech a little.

Fortunately I'm not in pain. My walking difficulty is an inconvenience but as with all my other tumours they do not cause me any anxiety or fear. I find this to be a continuous wonder and realise how few cancer patients are in this state of mind. Bill Bengston, who's been experimenting successfully healing mice for 50 years, I still haven't fathomed what's going on, and have no more than some speculative ideas on what may have helped my current state.

Although throughout my 15 year journey with cancer I have never been in anguish about my condition, there have been times of considerable anxiety. An important turning point came in 2023 after treatment with acupuncture and I began to experience periods of deep peace. What developed from that was the result of work, begun by my acupuncturist and continued with my kinesiologist. Yet the foundations may well have been my some 40 years of meditative and contemplative practices. This may have helped me to look at the situation more open-mindedly than I had done. I have to say that I am not committed to any religious point of view although I have been influenced by religious and spiritual ideas from many sources.

I suspect that my focus on mind, exercise, diet and support (MEDS) has helped maintain a healthy immune system. I'm now on the lowest doses of three medications and taking recommended supplements. I'm not obsessive about any of this and am open to ideas from others. What I find myself experiencing much of the time is what one of my 'wise ones' might call, peace that passes all understanding. And you may make what you will of that. How long this will last I cannot know, but I trust that Life will always seek the best that can be under the circumstances, and I'm happy to rest in that.

New Moon, New Phase?

At this time of year, mid-November, the mediaeval houses of our village glow with gentle moonlight. The ancients believed it was a time of renewal and certainly over the last few months we began to realise that our journey with cancer is entering a new phase. But should we regard a new beginning with trepidation or hope? I think the latter. What about you? That would be an interesting conversation to have.

Since late 2022 I’ve had considerable variability in my stamina. There have been times when I could walk three miles, others when I could only manage one, and yet others when I could only just manage to walk to the village and back. Kinesiology has helped but eventually, when it was suggested (not diagnosed you note) that the tumour in my brain was causing neuropathy, I realised I would need medication to mitigate the effects. This means the brain connections that coordinate physical movement, such as walking and to some extent recognising and expressing myself are being affected. I’ve been asked to hand in my driving licence and have a Blue Badge for parking. I may even consider a mobility scooter although I will walk as much as I can. The reason for the scooter is so that I can go further from the village and still enjoy the peace and solitude of our lovely Herefordshire countryside.

Fortunately, I am not in any serious pain. However at one time I was experiencing cramps in my feet and hands. This has stopped, although I still get cramps in either of my fingers and thumbs. The main problem is it takes me twice as long to do anything. So, although my to-do list looks easy to achieve, by the end of the day I will only have done half of it.

In all this I have to say that I remain positive and content. I seem to have reached a place of peace that passes all understanding. I don’t know how, when or whether this condition will change in the coming months. I am just resting in the moment, not withstanding eventualities.

Having said that, I continue to do all that seems appropriate to maintain life and love, and that largely in terms of my MEDS: Mind, Exercise, Diet and Support. In terms of support I am greatly blessed by my dear Liz, family and friends, especially our village friends for I continued to be well supported. There are so many in need far greater than mine. I don’t do intercessory prayer (nothing wrong with that) but I do send loving kindness to those of the many who need our support. I use a little blessing which some of you might find helpful. It goes like this, “May all that you need, ALL that you need, be enabled within you and for you.” (And for those whose beliefs need evidence, there are over 5000 experiments showing that our good intentions affect this wonderful material world).

One of my favourite poets, John O’Donohue, wrote, “It is strange to be here. The mystery never leaves you.” As life progresses it becomes even more mysterious. To my mind, if we allow it, rather than trying to force it or repress it, it can become yet more wonderful to us still.

I’m reminded that many elderly aboriginal people come to realise that it’s time to move to the next phase of existence. They quietly leave the village and find a place of solitude where they can allow themselves to pass naturally to whatever might be. But no, I’m not going to lie down in the shelter of one of Mike Ware’s fields to be found by the Saturday walkers - but you get the drift of what I mean.

 

Travelling at the Speed of Life

When we lived on the outskirts of Bristol I cycled to work most days along the busy A38. I noticed that when I first started out on my journey I would be travelling at a steady pace. But as the traffic speeded by I soon found myself trying to keep up. From this experience came one of my little aphorisms: "Don't get caught up in other people's rush hours."

 It's very easy to find oneself rushing to get somewhere or do something simply because other people are rushing too. Or it may we're anxious and our autonomic nervous system is using up its nervous energy faster than we need to. Another cause of hurrying is when trying to finish a job I really don't want to be doing. My mind isn't on the performance of the task in hand, but rather it's end. I'm not living in the now, but sometime in the future when I can be doing something more to my liking. The way we live is strongly influenced by the systemised society we live in. It's largely driven by expectations that are not healthy and indeed positively unnatural.

I guess that over thousands of years 'our kind' (as I like to call humanity), has become less and less aware of the natural world and our intimate relationship with it. That's pretty quick in geological time. No time at all in terms of evolution. That we are becoming less aware of our intimate connection with the whole of nature is become more clear by the day. In turn many of us are becoming less sensitive to our own natural connections. This leaves us vulnerable to the dictates of our systems, including medical systems. Without an inner sensitivity we may accept treatments and take medical advice that may or may not be appropriate. I've noticed among the doctors that that I've consulted over the last 15 years a variety of attitudes towards different aspects of treatment. Some are more sensitive than others. Some I trust more than others. Some I need to question more than others. And there are some I found it necessary to ignore altogether.

This is a situation which is partly learned through research and partly sensed. Because we are all so different we really have to discover our own path here, which is not easy. There is always a temptation that we want to analyse and rationalise things. We want to tie things down, making certain, have total confidence in our decisions, but that's not possible. Any honest doctor will admit that, sadly, the pressures of our overstretched and underfunded NHS often don't allow our medical teams enough time to fully consider the implication of the many decisions they are making.

But we can be the arbiters of our own decision-making – our own self-advocates. On several occasions I've put off making a decision until I have an opportunity to research the implications of what treatment is being offered. I know for certain that on one occasion I did rush into chemotherapy because I thought the situation was becoming urgent. That decision was a bad one because within a few weeks by never had been adversely affected and I was taken off the drug. Unfortunately I decided to accept that medication at at a lower dose but that turned out badly as well. Had I done my research and listen to my body I might have taken more time to sense-feel what my inner nature might have been able to tell me. Two years later and my oncologist's prediction of the degree of imminence was unfounded.

Our bodies decision-making doesn't operate in terms of linear space and time. For instance our bodies replace two million cells every second. Surely that must be faster than the speed of light! It's our brains, and in particular our thoughts and fears and anxieties that slow things down. So let's take time to travel at the speed of life and listen to the gentle conversation that we can have with our bodies.

"To know our nature is enlightenment.
To not know our nature is disastrous.
Knowing our nature, one is accepting
If you are accepting then you are merciful.
If you are merciful then you are noble.
If you are noble then you are like Heaven.
If you are like heaven then you follow the [Way of Nature].
If you follow the [the Way of Nature] then you are sustainable."

The Secret Tao: Uncovering the hidden history and meaning of Lao Tzu by D. W. Kreger

Belief is Never Enough

 

This blog is a reiteration of an understanding that has become central in importance to me over the last 15 years; the last nine in particular.  This is my seminal message about accepting and not resisting the situations we're faced with, no matter what they are. I realise how contrary this is to our way of thinking. Our 'warrior culture' wants to be in control and use whatever ever force is necessary to bulldoze obstructions from our path.

We have all developed a lifelong habit of looking at ourselves in a mirror and always seeing our image the wrong way around.  Our news media give us a continuous stream of negativity creating the impression that 'No news is ever good news'  Though our ego-selves would prefer 'business as usual' maybe it's time we stopped being ego-slaves.  Stop for a while long enough to notice nature. As an old Chinese sage said, “Serenity and peace is the norm of the earth.” Wars end, most people recover from illness, most live to an old age, and most people are doing good things to most other people most of the time. Maybe carrying an image of ourselves that's the wrong way round is not so clever after all.

We have each made up a sense of ourselves from images created by other peoples' images of us. It's unavoidable.  However, most such self-images are “good enough for jazz”, as my musician friends say.  But a diagnoses of any serious illness, especially a terminal one, can confront some, maybe most of us, with a level of truth about ourselves we may not be ready for.  At first this will almost certainly appear terrifying.  Yet when we let our barriers down and begin to realise (make real) this new found freedom of acceptance from our old self can bring us, many find themselves living our lives in quite different ways.

It's all about allowing and letting go, which is an amazingly simple thing to do. Just letting go of something we're holding means relaxing and allowing gravity take the object into the waste bin.  Simple yes, but easy, no!   It should be easy on the face of it, but our ego-self is born out of contrariness.  Our beliefs about having and keeping control in order to keep secure (which may merely mean 'familiar'), can bind us to our beliefs both mentally and physically like steel cables.  But belief is the weakest level of understanding.  For many people belief doesn't need evidence or proof.  It just needs a strong feeling.  If that feeling is strong enough, and for billions of people it is, then are capable of absolutely absolutely anything, no matter how ridiculous it may seem.  We only need to listen to statements made by American politicians to prove that!  The trouble is the emotional impacts of our beliefs are not only mental, they affect the body too.

Subtle energies, the job of which are to flow through the body supporting the gross energies of our physical biochemistry, can become trapped in physical organs like whirlpools among currents in a river.  It was whirlpools like these that were found in my body through working with my acupuncturist and kinesiologist.  The enabled the release of these energies. Of such energy a Chinese sage said 2500 years ago, “It blunts all sharp edges, It unties all tangles, It harmonies all sights, it unites the world into one whole.”   I hope this may give you a tiny inkling of the way in which we can work with nature's energies at different levels of our bodies and minds as well as those of the world around us.

In trusting such processes and working with open minded awareness we can find ways to explore such avenues as these. But I must stress those words 'trust', 'open minded' and 'awareness'. At the outset of our exploration being an intense believer is in the processes and therapies is not necessarily helpful.  In such situation we can carry a lot of preconceptions. Neither should we be dyed-in-the-wool sceptics.  Leave a few cracks in your mental roof to let the light get in.  Don't believe or think you know.  Don't expect for an outcome or a failure. Watch and listen with a healthy detachment.  If we can be still enough and silent enough and open enough, something wonderful will happen.

I meet a lot of cancer patients, many of whom have been under treatment for a along time. All the ones I know are positive and hopeful even though, like me, some are aware they are terminal. I suspect most people find their way through the darkness to a place of peace.  I don't know if any have had counselling; somehow I suspect not.  Maybe at such times there is an inner 'counsellor' - a sense in which wisdom arises out of such circumstances.  Belief is never enough.  

May peace, love and joy fill your days and all that you need be enabled within you and for you.
Contact me on the blog if you want a chat.

(Not edited by Liz